we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize