I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
