The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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