Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
