I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
