what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
everyone is single if you try hard enough
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
