a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
