You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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