____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
