if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Randomize