Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
