I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
