the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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