Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My dick has a subreddit
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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