my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
3 2 1 whiskey
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
