I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
