My boss' voice literally gives me gas
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
