The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
