Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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