I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
