Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
