Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
