Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize