I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
