dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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