are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Found your dick twin last night
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
