oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
jump out the window naked night went bad
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