Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
