stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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