Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
