He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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