No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
