You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
