Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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