On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
