I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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