I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
