i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I could make wine with my vomit
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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