Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
