i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
