Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
