my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
