i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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