Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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