I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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