I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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