What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize