Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
