Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I came so hard my ears popped.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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