It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Everclear isn't food dammit
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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