Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
