I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
