I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
