he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
So vagazzling was a success
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
