my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
