I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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