no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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