Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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